Fire Down Below by Debra Anastasia - Release Day + Giveaway!Saturday, February 28, 2015
*Please be advised that the following content may not be suitable for readers of younger age. Read at your own risk!*
▴Amazon US ➜ amzn.to/1HvQywp
▴Amazon UK ➜ amzn.to/1DgCa4U
▴Amazon AU ➜ bit.ly/1CkOCDU
▴KoBo ➜ bit.ly/166Xtej
▴iBooks ➜ bit.ly/1Kfvpmh
▴B&N ➜ TBA
Dove Glitch is embarrassed about everything above her knees and below her belly button. When she has to fill a delicate, embarrassing prescription the last thing she needs is a sexy-as-hell (and brand spanking new) pharmacist behind the counter.
Johnson Fitzwell’s first day of his dream career also happens to coincide with the exact moment Dove needs her feminine meds filled. His glorious voice is way too loud–as in, he should be counting down the hits with Ryan Seacrest kind of loud. Thanks to Johnson’s handsome face and gorgeous jaw line, Dove dives headlong into her waking nightmare and asks for a vagina-scented cream.
How could she not fall for him? Dove's only active goal now is to get Johnson to kiss her right on the lips. Either set. However, his horrible girlfriend is one of many obstacles preventing her from making that fantasy a reality. When Dove defends Johnson in the most unhygienic, unconventionally gross way in the middle of a crowded restaurant, their tender, slightly tantric relationship is off to a galloping, farting start.
Each print copy of this book will be dipped in holy water by my mom, and glared at by my father as he purses his lips. Neither will help. So, drop your pants and turn to the left and cough. I hope you're not allergic to latex, because it’s time to fill your prescription. Anally.
Oh God. We’re talking about me being naked, in the shower with cooter cream. Please world, end. Kill me.
“I know it’s not soap. I just… if it’s scented… I can’t do scented. Flowers and stuff like that. Fruit-flavored soaps make… things… burnish.” She could tell from the peeks at his face Mr. Fitzwell had never stepped foot in bath and lotion store, wanting to try the array of fun fragrances. Nor had he purchased Peppermint Candy shower gel, foamed up his nether regions, and felt like he had dipped them in lava. Dove crossed and uncrossed her legs at the memory.
Mr. Fitzwell seemed concerned. “Okay, just a heads-up. It’s definitely not good to put any fruits or plant life near your genitals.” He made a V with his hands and formed his own pretend vagina in front of his pants.
Dove covered her eyes and tried to defend herself because now she could hear the sickly older woman beating her supporters with a purse.
Dove’s mumbling got louder with her embarrassment. “I don’t put weird things down… there. Just make sure that the cream’s vagina-scented. Just plain. For vaginas.” She kept her eyes on the counter.
There are a lot of eyes in Debra Anastasia’s house in Maryland. First, her own creepy peepers are there, staring at her computer screen. She’s made two more sets of eyes with her body, and the kids they belong to are amazing. The poor husband is still looking at her after 17 years of marriage. At least he likes to laugh. Then the freaking dogs are looking at her—six eyeballs altogether, though the old dog is blind. And the cat watches her too, mostly while knocking stuff off the counter and doing that internal kitty laugh when Deb can’t catch the items fast enough.
Debra has a smattering of books in a few genres. There are two in the Seraphim Series and three in the Poughkeepsie Brotherhood Series with a prequel, Poughkeepsie Begins in the near future. Fire Down Below is the first in the comedic Gynzaule Series. The second, Fire in the Hole, will be published in late 2015. The Revenger, a dark paranormal romance will debut this summer. And last, a novella called Late Night with Andres is special because 100% of the proceeds go to breast cancer research. (So go get it right now, please!) You can find her at DebraAnastasia.com and on Twitter @Debra_Anastasia. But be prepared...
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Bold. So very bold.
If you can't handle an infected vagina, please turn the book away.
If you can't handle full blown farts with detailed descriptions and a whole lot of gas issues, please burn the book now.
If the thought of piercing your genitals disgust you, just don't. No. Save yourself!
I can't even take this review seriously after what I've read! What has been seen cannot been unseen (at least from what I've seen in my imagination), what have been read cannot be unread. A little bit of Deb has been rubbing off on me too because as if on cue, a yellow bird just pooped in front of my window. Coincidental? I think not.
Holy Moly Deb, what happened after Poughkeepsie? How can you be such a nasty, porn writing (yes, Debra Anastasia is in fact a real character in the book), vulgar speaking GENIUS?! I am in complete awe with you, you risk-taking daredevil, goddess of erotic jokes, because throughout Fire Down Below I was imagining an episode of American Pie, with a whole lot of substance in it! Pun intended.
From the moment I received an email from Nina Bocci giving me a strong warning of the book, I knew I'm in for some serious poop (trying to keep my sense of politeness here).
"Be brave bloggers, be brave! Read this 'book' and tell the world your thoughts. Then light some candles, take a bath in holy water, and scrub away the memories ;)
I will say a Catholic prayer because you are fantastic and you've accepted what few have the testicular fortitude to do." - Nina Bocci
I mean, who can simply forego a warning like that? I was first introduced to Debra's work through Pougkeepsie (review attached here), serious, dark and so intense. Debra took a 360 degrees turn when she published Fire Down Below, disgustingly funny, extremely R-rated and I-am-not-sure-I'm-even-legal-enough-to-be-reading-this (okay I'm 21 :P). It was comedy at its best! I really applaud Debra for having the guts to write this, let alone publish it for the world to see. That took a lot of courage because I know for sure that I would have stashed these ideas in my secret room of requirement - just have to reference Harry Potter there - and it will never see the light of the day. I'm so glad that Deb did, you just rocked the entire foundation for erotic comedy, if I can even call the book that.
There was never a slow moment in the book, Dove was a lady cursed by an unlucky star and we were first introduced to her through her serious medical condition. I mean, yeast infected cooter ought to be fatal right? I really love Dove because she appeared to me like a fine young woman hoping for a good thing to happen in her life, while having such an awe-inspiring strength to face all the embarrassing incidents that happened to her - that includes Duke (the disgustingly handsome best friend - or is he - who spends most of his time farting and doing god knows what with his manly parts) and her partially eccentric neighbours Shannon, Flower and that includes you too, Mr. and Mrs. Anastasia. And then there's Johnson (Dove's miracle?), the nerdy heart-stopping hearthrob that wouldn't stop using scientific analogies in his conversations.
"Johnson missed his mouth when he went for a sip of wine, so Dove passed him her napkin. He began to blush, stammering, “Sorry, your smile made me forget where my intake orifice was.”
All my orifices know where you are—especially the ones that grow hair."
I am restraining myself from leaking out any spoilers, but I just have to state that I am a loyal Duke fan from the start! Despite his mutilated penis and gross demeanour, I always felt he was more of a man when he gets all serious and stuff. Duke ooze sexiness!
Fire Down Below almost made me wake the entire neighbourhood at 4 in the morning.
Debra Anastasia had me gag and cringe every time someone passed gas.
This book should be made illegal!
I never have so much reference of human genitals in one book, ever.
*Thank you Nina Bocci and Debra Anastasia for the free copy! You guys totally rock*
To celebrate the release of Fire Down Below, Debra has agreed to giveaway
-1 free ebook copy of Fire Down Below (open internationally)
-1 matching maxi pad puppet (US only)